‘IT’S a prism of endless possibility, where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities, creating alternate worlds from the ones you know. I am your guide through these vast new realities. Follow me and ponder the question… “What if?”’
If it’s good enough for Marvel Studios, then it’s good enough for us, so this week we thought we’d run some alternative Premier League tables for the season.
WHAT IF LEAGUE GAMES WERE ONLY 60 MINUTES LONG?
With so much extra stoppage time these days, we’re seeing dramatic late turnarounds, and some of the latest goals scored in Premier League history. Games themselves are lasting on average well over 100 minutes, though the average ball in play time in the Premier League this season is 58 minutes and 34 seconds. So rounding that up to a nice even 60, we ask What If the final whistle blew after an hour?
Luckily for Manchester United, matches are 90 minutes long. If we went by the effective playing time, they would be in a relegation scrap as they would be 13 points worse off without goals scored in the final 30 minutes. Essentially the above table shows that Manchester United have only been leading going into the final 30 minutes three times in the Premier League this season, enjoying dramatic comeback victories against Brentford and Aston Villa, while also leaving it late against Wolves and Fulham.
Brentford have dropped a league-high 20 points from winning positions this season – if matches finished after 60 minutes, they’d be in contention for the Champions League places, while Arsenal would drop to seventh.
WHAT IF YOU TOOK AWAY PENALTY GOALS?
Much to my bemusement, scoring penalties is often used as a stick to beat people with. Whether it be Messi fans calling Cristiano Ronaldo a ‘penalty merchant’, or Arsenal fans deriding Harry Kane’s goalscoring record with a cry of ‘how many penalties?’, it seems apparent that to some people scoring from the spot just doesn’t count. So – What If we took away penalty goals for the Premier League this season?
Not a great deal of change as the above table shows, but Tottenham the biggest beneficiaries with five extra points. While penalty goals haven’t benefitted Spurs themselves so far this term, conceding them has essentially cost them victories against both Brentford and Arsenal.
Chelsea would be the worst off without penalty goals this season, with spot kicks so far earning the Blues an extra seven points.
WHAT IF ONLY SET PIECE GOALS COUNTED?
Going the opposite way to disregarding penalties – What If ONLY goals scored from set piece situations counted?
League leaders Liverpool would be 20 points worse off if only set piece goals counted, dropping to 8th in the table. Arsenal would be six points clear, while the biggest shock would be Luton. The Hatters would be 15 points better off if only set piece goals counted, and well in contention for a Champions League spot. Luton in Europe’s premier competition is a multiverse I’m sure we could all get behind.
WHAT IF ONLY GOALS FROM ENGLISH PLAYERS COUNTED?
Certain tabloid publications have a dangerous obsession with the amount of English players in the Premier League, so to jump on their bandwagon and appeal to their sense of nationalism we ask, What If only goals scored by English players counted?
As with set piece goals, Luton find themselves in the top 6, while Newcastle, Chelsea and West Ham make a three horse race for the title. Tottenham find themselves in a relegation battle, realising they should probably have replaced Harry Kane with another Englishman. Wolves’ method of blooding Portuguese talent comes back to bite them as they find themselves rooted to the foot of the table, while Manchester City have a throwback to the pre-Abu Dhabi days and find themselves in mid-table.
So, there you have it. Please don’t worry about directing any complaints anywhere, all of this is purely meant for a bit of fun to guide you through the FA Cup weekend until the league picks back up again on Tuesday.
All our love, Opta xxx
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