According to Marca, Spain’s foremost sports newspaper, England’s brand of unadventurous football could be used in prisons to torture those in solitary confinement.

According to De Telegraaf, Holland’s best-selling publication, England’s Euros can be compared to a Shakespearean tragedy. “The English, with their abundance of talent and quality, did not provide entertainment in any way,” they said of Saturday evening’s arduous progression past Switzerland.

According to Gary Lineker, the Three Lions have been akin to what he frantically scooped out of his shorts in Cagliari in 1990 after suffering stomach cramps on the pitch.

Yet here they are, Gareth Southgate’s struggling band of underwhelmers: In a Euro semi-final, just two games away from putting to bed 56 years of hurt.

How they’ve made it this far remains a mystery, though good fortune accounts for some of it, as well as rare moments of individual brilliance.

With an ignominious exit mere seconds away against Slovakia, Jude Bellingham – anonymous for 93 minutes – donned a cape and took flight as an acrobatic superhero.

Late-on at the weekend, Bukayo Saka got fed up of ferrying the ball to the touchline and cutting it back to nobody at all. Instead he stepped inside and fired home a 20-yard daisy-cutter.

In the subsequent penalty shoot-out – England’s tenth at a major tournament, having only won two of them previously – the same player, along with Palmer, Bellingham, Toney and Alexander-Arnold expertly dispatched their spot-kicks.

These instances aside however what have England amounted to in Germany? They’ve been sub-par, passive, disjointed and – ironic given this week’s election landslide – far too conservative. They have laboured their way through five mediocre performances.

That is not to say there was no improvement in Dusseldorf. From an extremely low bar, there was.

The passing was crisper against the Swiss. The switch to three at the back suited them better, even if once again their left flank was little more than a dead-end. The ball was shifted from back to front quicker and with increased purpose, resulting in half-chances being created.

Even so, England’s first shot on target came courtesy of Saka’s equalizer ten minutes from time.

Phil Foden’s last attempt on goal was in the 51^st minute against Slovenia in the groups. Back under 0.5 shots v Holland at 1/1

But enough with the negatives, and the positives that come attached with meaningful caveats. The blunt truth is that England will not drastically change in Dortmund on Wednesday evening. They won’t be transformed or magically mended. There is no significant spark that will be ignited, though it would help tremendously if Harry Kane can be more like the Harry Kane of old. His form and lack of effectiveness is a real concern.

Perhaps then, with the last four upon us, we should simply accept this flawed version of England for who they are. A team that is good at muddling through. A team that evidently has a handy knack for failing upwards.

The Three Lions have only scored more than once – in regulation time – twice in their last 10 outings. They last kept a clean sheet against a side ranked in the top 20 three years ago. Go for England to score under 1.5 goals and BTTS at 47/20

Moreover, despite them being poor and Holland largely impressing to date, there are plenty of areas in which England have bettered their next opponents.

They’ve had more possession across the tournament and a superior passing accuracy. They boast more ball recoveries and, surprisingly, have mounted more attacks.

Southgate’s men have conceded fewer shots on their goal. Indeed, only three sides at Euro 2024 have conceded less.

All of these details offer up encouragement, even if a couple inadvertently highlight some of the issues England have faced.

Because while it is true that the Three Lions have constructed more attacks, 16 to be exact, Holland have had 17 more attempts on goal and the big disparity here illustrates how the Dutch are going forward with considerably greater conviction.

A much quoted fact beyond the group stages was that England had the slowest pace of attack, a leisurely 1.24 metres per second, and this has too often allowed the opposition to ‘set’, forming a carapace that is difficult to break down.

Holland by contrast have got in behind teams, stationing their front three in advanced, dangerous areas, typically to good effect.

The same can be said of possession. While it is all well and good having the majority of the ball it’s what you do with it that counts, and England have largely been predictable and pedestrian.

Again, in contrast, Holland have at times ceded control, content in the knowledge that Cody Gakpo, Memphis Depay and Donyell Malen can cause damage on the break.

Ronald Koeman’s side are one of only three teams to score twice in Germany via counters.

Xavi Simons has twice assisted for Gakpo in the Euros and laid on 13 for RB Leipzig last term. His clever passing will trouble England. Back Simons to assist at 6/1

Gakpo in particular is a sizable threat to England’s aspirations this week, the Liverpool star excellent across the competition and easily Holland’s most impactful player, while elsewhere there are any number of fascinating match-ups.

Kane versus Virgil Van Dijk would ordinarily be a heavyweight bout, if not for the former’s toils. Dumfries flying down Holland’s right and coming up against a fit-again Luke Shaw also intrigues. What a re-introduction to top level football that is for the Manchester United full-back.

On the other flank meanwhile Saka v Nathan Ake conjures up title tussles played out in recent seasons between Arsenal and Manchester City.

Furthermore, we wait and see if Southgate goes with a three again. We wait and see if Foden and Bellingham can come close to replicating their club form, ideally in harmony. We’re waiting to see quite a lot of things and perhaps the most arresting aspect to this potentially historic clash is that England are in the semi-finals of a major tournament – after playing 510 minutes out in Germany – and there remains more unknowns than knowns.

All of which suggests that there is nothing more to do than cross our fingers and believe as Dortmund on Wednesday hones into view. Believe that Southgate’s tortuous, Shakespearean, flawed underwhelmers can muddle through once again.

England are 15/2 to once again win on pens

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