IF Manchester United collapsing into crisis was a television programme it would have been cancelled a long time ago.
The plot is always the same, each series a rehashing of the last. The characters are all-too-familiar, a revolving door of petulant players and broken players, all taken to the depths of catastrophe by a manager made incompetent by circumstances of his own making.
For evidence that Reality Bites – the imagined name for such a programme if it existed – would have long jumped the shark by now we only need look at the long-running sub-plot involving expensive, hyped wingers flopping terribly. First there was Zaha. Then Di Maria. He was followed by Martial, and more recently Sancho and Antony.
The writers would be sacked for repeddling old scripts over and over.
Then there’s the main storyline and its tired, hoary arc. We know how each series starts, with a win or two that has client journalists come out and excitedly proclaim Man United to be ‘back’. Next comes the ‘twist’, a plot-device that has become tedious and tiresome to this point, so often have we seen it.
As reality bites, and viewers feign surprise, United are revealed to have the same insurmountable structural problems and personnel issues as before. Insipid performances and humiliating defeats duly follow.
The latest series has them languishing in 13th in the league after accruing just seven points. It is their joint-worst start to a campaign after six games in the Premier League era.
On this occasion, those wins that always precede a sudden plunge into calamity came at Southampton and in a routine thrashing of Barnsley in the League Cup. There was also an encouraging first-half at Selhurst Park, a sustained period of dominance that only lacked a clinical edge.
Since then though, oh boy have they been bad. Comically so if you’re that way inclined. Depressingly so for a United fan-base who must feel like they’re reliving the same nightmare on repeat.
The manner in which two Twente players combined to run past and through six United statues last week highlighted a complete absence of intensity, desire and players willing to step up and take personal responsibility.
Just four days later, Tottenham’s Micky van de Ven raced from his own half unhindered all the way to United’s goal-line, firing the ball across for a tap-in.
To borrow a phrase used by Logan Roy in Succession, goals such as this are not conceded by serious people.
Moreover, in what felt like a nadir for Erik Ten Hag’s deeply flawed creation – but what was more truthfully just the latest nadir – the beleaguered hosts gave up 12 shots and three big chances across a hopelessly one-sided first half.
It seemed like Spurs could score at will, especially with that great big hole in United’s midfield making an untimely reappearance. Was it ever really filled?
And so to Porto away this Thursday evening, followed by a daunting trip to Villa Park at the weekend, tough tests the Red Army are rightfully dreading.
Focusing on Villa, they may well have lost their last three encounters in this fixture but presently they are in terrific shape, their only blips this term being a home loss to Arsenal, and a draw last week at Portman Road that may ultimately prove to be a decent point come the end of the season.
Elsewhere Unai Emery’s men look revitalised after their top four battle wore them down in the Spring.
Youri Tielemans is unquestionably in his best form since joining the club in 2023, averaging two key passes per 90 and against Wolves a fortnight back impressively running the show.
Morgan Rogers meanwhile has carried over his superb pre-season and let’s not forget Jhon Duran’s remarkable return of 2.29 goals per 90, largely achieved off the bench. Jacob Ramsey has successfully completed 2.4 dribbles per game.
With such numbers deriving from their attacking roster is it any wonder that Villa have scored 2+ goals in five out of their six league outings so far and that’s before we acknowledge their leading man up front.
Ollie Watkins is on fire, bagging four in three.
If Villa are at it and on it this Sunday it’s hard to envisage the visitors properly competing, never mind prevailing, browbeaten as they are by recent events.
Furthermore, the hosts have undertaken the third most direct attacks in the top-flight this term, open play sequences that begin in their own half and end with a shot or touch inside the opposition box. Should they concentrate such attacks on the vast space where a defensive midfielder should ordinarily be then who goodness knows what score-line could be reached, and what level of crisis United will descend to next.
Will a loss lead to Ten Hag getting the boot? Stay tuned.
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